Honey, We Screwed Up The Family!

Honey, We Screwed Up The Family!

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Honey, We Screwed Up The Family!
Honey, We Screwed Up The Family!
You’re Not Wrong. They’re Not Wrong. Here’s the Word That Changes Everything.

You’re Not Wrong. They’re Not Wrong. Here’s the Word That Changes Everything.

Because someone doesn’t have to be wrong for everyone to be hurting.

Matthew Maynard, LMFT's avatar
Matthew Maynard, LMFT
Jul 10, 2025
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Honey, We Screwed Up The Family!
Honey, We Screwed Up The Family!
You’re Not Wrong. They’re Not Wrong. Here’s the Word That Changes Everything.
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Ever feel like you're in a fight and suddenly you're not even sure what you're fighting about anymore?

It starts with something small—someone cuts you off mid-story, rolls their eyes, makes a comment that hits just wrong. Suddenly you're not talking about the moment anymore, you're talking about everything.

The relationship. The resentment. The exhaustion.

Now you're defending your emotional existence like it’s on trial.

And here’s the twist:
Both of you are hurting.
Both of you are making sense.
And both of you are trying to be understood before offering understanding.

This is what I call emotional gridlock—and it’s the #1 reason couples, parents, and families spin out during conflict.

The problem isn’t that one person’s wrong.
It’s that both people are trying to win empathy instead of build connection.

But there’s a way out—and it starts with a single, overlooked word: Too.

It doesn’t sound groundbreaking.
But when used the right way?
It completely rewires how you do conflict, repair, and emotional safety in relationships.


Real-Life Example: The “Bragging” Blow-Up

Let me take you inside a session with a couple I work with (details changed, vibe 100% real):

One partner came in heated after a weekend dinner party.

“You completely embarrassed me in front of our friends. I was talking about our trip, and you shut me down like I was bragging. I felt so small.”

The other looked shocked.

“That’s not what I meant at all. I noticed people seemed quiet or weird, and I didn’t want it to come across like we were flaunting anything. I wasn’t trying to dismiss you—I was trying to make sure people didn’t think we were obnoxious.”

Boom.

Right there.

Impact vs. Intention.

Two different experiences.
Two different truths.
Both valid.

And in most relationships, this is where the wheels come off—because now we’re arguing about which version of reality is more “correct.”


But Matt Why Does It All Goes Sideways…

Most couples and families I work with aren’t mean.
They’re just defensive.

Why? Because we’ve all been trained—either consciously or unconsciously—to protect our emotional “truth” like it’s a limited resource.

Especially if you grew up in a home where:

  • You had to prove your emotions were valid

  • Love was conditional on compliance

  • One person’s pain always overshadowed everyone else’s

Then in conflict, you’ll instinctively defend your perspective before you even know what the fight is really about.

That’s how we end up in what I call Painful Pissing Matches!—arguing about who deserves empathy more, instead of creating shared emotional space.

And that’s where the word “too” changes everything.


Why “Too” Works (According to a Family Therapist)

“Too” is like an emotional crowbar.

It equalizes instead of competes.
It acknowledges multiple truths.

It holds space for impact and intention at the same time.

Repeat that last line 9,000 times….let it soak in!

When someone says:

  • “I felt dismissed.”
    And you respond:

  • “I didn’t mean to—and I felt nervous about how we were being perceived too.”

You’re not canceling their pain.

You’re adding your truth next to theirs, instead of over it.


Let’s break it down with a real-world example.

Without “Too” (Defensive Spiral)

Partner A: “You embarrassed me in front of everyone.”
Partner B: “You’re overreacting. I was just trying to help.”
Partner A: “You always do this.”
[Cue icy silence, resentment, and mutual scrolling in separate rooms.]

With “Too” (Connection Restored)

Partner A: “You embarrassed me in front of everyone.”
Partner B: “I really didn’t mean to—and I get why it felt that way too. I was trying to protect you, not hurt you.”
Partner A: “That’s all I needed. Just own it.”

The only thing that changed?
One word.
But emotionally? It’s a total rewire.

Now listen this is BRUTALLY difficult depending on a wide variety of problems from each persons family of origin dynamics. This is just the beginning….


Parenting Example: Holding Two Truths with Kids

Let’s say your kid yells:

“You never listen to me! You only care about my grades!”

Old-school response:

“That’s not true. I listen to you all the time!”

High-impact response:

“I hear that you feel ignored. I care about your feelings too, not just your performance.”

You just taught your kid something powerful:

“Your feelings are valid, and I still have a different perspective.”

You stayed emotionally strong without compromising connection.


Quick Gut-Check Tool: Use This Mid-Conflict

If you’re in a tense moment, ask yourself:

✅ “Am I trying to be heard before I’m trying to understand?”
✅ “Am I fighting for a fact—or defending my feelings?”
✅ “Can I acknowledge their emotional truth too without erasing my own?”

This one-second pause can be the difference between emotional war… and emotional maturity.


Let’s Be Clear: “Too” Doesn’t Mean Surrender

Some people mishear this as “just agree to avoid conflict.”

Nope.

“Too” doesn’t mean you’re wrong. It means you’re grounded enough to acknowledge someone else’s experience without abandoning your own.

You’re not folding.
You’re not self-erasing.
You’re choosing curiosity over control.

Because connection is never built on control its built on a willingness to understand.

Again checkout more of my other articles that talks about this in way more depth…


Other Everyday Uses of “Too” That Work Wonders

In friendship:

“You’ve been feeling distant? I’ve missed our connection too.”

With a co-worker:

“I was frustrated in that meeting too—I’m glad you brought it up.”

With your partner during conflict:

“I know this hurt you. It brought stuff up for me too. Can we talk it through instead of blame each other?”

Simple. Powerful. Repeatable.


Final Thought: “Too” Is Therapy in One Syllable

It calms nervous systems.
It builds bridges instead of scoreboards.
It shifts your relationships from “Who’s right?” to “How do we both matter here?”

Because emotional strength isn’t measured by who speaks loudest—it’s by who listens bravely.


This Week’s Challenge:

Use “too” three times in the next emotional conversation you have.

  1. With your partner

  2. With your kid

  3. With someone who tests your patience (yes, even them)

And then watch what shifts. Probably nothing at first because patterns take time to shift, AND you have to start somewhere too…

See what I did there…

Let go of the need to be the most hurt.
Let go of the need to win.
Choose connection over control.


Want the Quick Reference Guide?

I created a cheat sheet called:
“The ‘Too’ Toolkit: 5 Scripts to Break the Blame Loop and Build Real Connection”

It includes plug-and-play scripts you can use with your spouse, kids, or coworkers when emotions run high.

This is for my premium subscribers. If you aren’t a premium subscriber click here to support my writing and encourage more valuable articles such as this one…


If This Hit Home:

  • Forward this to someone you love (or someone you’re still mad at)

  • Subscribe for raw, real insights on family, marriage, and parenting that don’t feel like a TED Talk with a lobotomy

  • Comment and share—the more this gets passed around, the more people stop competing and start connecting.

Breakthroughs happen here.
Sometimes, one “too” at a time.


🧰 THE “TOO” TOOLKIT: 5 ADVANCED STRATEGIES FOR HIGH-IMPACT CONNECTION


This toolkit gives you 5 deeper strategies—grounded in family systems theory—to create space for multiple truths without power struggles, shutdown, or guilt spirals.

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